


It was never me

by orphan_account



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dubious Consent, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-14
Updated: 2016-01-14
Packaged: 2018-05-13 22:54:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5720023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Trapped in the cage with Lucifer and him getting more and more agressive Sam finally realized what is wrong, what happened. But there is nothing he can do…</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Sam couldn’t believe what Lucifer just said, it was impossible. How could his prayers have reached not god, but him? He didn’t even recognize the tear that fell to the floor, there was nothing else, just plain horror and panic. This was the worst thing that could have happened.

“It’s never gonna happen.” He whispered, desperately trying to convince himself of his own words. Lucifer smiled, not effected by his words at all.

“Ah, well. Settle in there, buddy.” Lucifer laughed and turned around. Suddenly he stopped, looking back at Sam. “Hey, roomie.” He said. “Upper bunk, lower bunk?” he gestured with his hand and that was the moment Sam realized something was very wrong with this.

Lucifer’s eyes flickered when he walked up at him, slow and his voice getting deeper.

“Or, do you wanna share?” he asked, smirking evilly.

Sam’s breath was heavy and he backed away from the devil, as much as the little space allowed him to. This couldn’t be… this was not Lucifer.

“What’s wrong Sam? Forgot all the good times already?” Lucifer asked and jerked his head.

“Let me out…” Sam whispered desperately and now more tears rolled down his cheeks.

Lucifer laughed manically before closing the distance between the two within seconds, a hand wrapping around the iron bar next to Sam’s ear. He leaned in so that their faces almost touched.

“You will _never_ get out, Sam. You’re mine and you know it.” He growled, again with the dark voice that was not at all how he talked before, when Sam was still outside of the cage.

_The cage._

The moment it dawned on Sam what happened and his eyes widened Lucifer suddenly ripped his open, staring at the man in front of him.

“Please no…” Lucifer gasped, his knuckles turning white as he tightened his grip around the bar. Sam swallowed heavily, but he couldn’t even make a sound. Lucifer was frightening and every cell of his body was shaking.

Lucifer pushed himself away from Sam, far back until he reached the opposite side of the cage, and stared at him.

“Run.” He whispered.

And finally Sam understood. That this _wasn’t_ Lucifer before. _This_ was Lucifer and he warned him, he tried to protect him, even though he knew it would ultimately fail. The cage was locked for Sam, he couldn’t go anywhere, he was trapped as much as the angel was. So Sam did the only thing he could, the one thing he did before too. He remembered.

A moment of complete silence, not even disturbed by thunder like before. It was now that Sam remembered everything that happened. The torture, the cruel things Lucifer did, the words that cut into his soul and his flesh just the same. He remembered every touch, every look, but also the moment he knew for the first time that this was _not_ Lucifer doing all these things. 

It happened like it did this time, Lucifer, the _real_ one, managed to break through the power of the cage, through whatever was keeping him inside his mind. He yelled at Sam to run, to hide, to not believe anything the other one said or did. It took long until Sam finally understood.

“I… can’t…” Sam whispered through the veil of tears that would have blurred his vision if he opened his eyes, his voice nothing more than a crack in the silence.

“You have to!” Lucifer insisted eagerly. “You must not believe him, nothing he says! You know he’s lying!”

“But-“

“No! Sam look at me!” at the sound of the angel’s pleading voice Sam opened his eyes slowly. He saw the desperation in Lucifer’s eyes, the fight that he was just now fighting, with the other one. “This is _not_ me! You will get out, but you have to _resist_ him!”

“You did this to me…” Sam whispered.

“I never did! Sam, those _visions_ were from me, don’t you remember them?” Sam nodded slowly, one of those visions coming back into his mind. “This is not me, Sam, you have to believe me! I would never hurt you! I l-“

A scream cut Lucifer’s words off and he was pressed back against the wall of the cage, growling in pain and frustration. Sam scurried towards him, not even caring that he knew exactly who cause this or what was happening, just following the urgent need to help him somehow.

“Lucifer…” he winced, a hand reaching out to touch the angel, when suddenly his cold fingers closed around Sam’s wrist, twisting it and causing a terribly and pain filled scream.

“Not this time!” Lucifer growled, looking up. His eyes were flashing red again and a grin appearing on his lips that made him, for once, look like a real demon. “I said you’re _mine_.”

With so much force that the air was pressed out of Sam’s lungs he was slammed against the iron bars, almost hearing his bones cracking. Lucifer was gone, he knew it. Whatever it was, it was too powerful to fight for long, and Sam knew that he only had one chance to get out of this alive.

He pressed his eyes shut, desperately searching for the vision he thought about before, the only thing that could remind him that, despite the way he looked, this was not Lucifer who was about to torture him again. A voice echoed through his head, calming and soft, a sound that he didn’t hear for so long and even back then it was never more than a few seconds.

_“Please forgive me.”_

“There’s nothing to forgive.” Sam whispered, the pain in his body lessening as he found the vision again. He didn’t even realize what happened in the cage right now. He knew that his body was smashed against the iron again and again, that hateful words were hissed, that cold hands touched him wherever they pleased.

Sam didn’t feel any of this, all he felt was a soothing touch on his skin, caressing his cheek and giving him one thing he never thought he would find again. He smiled when he felt the warmth this vision caused in him and he didn’t really care for what would happen anymore.

Lucifer finally gave him peace, even if it was just in his mind.


	2. All inside my head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam is gone from the cage, or at least his mind is, but he finds more than just an escape there. He finds Lucifer and he finally finds the truth.

Sam didn’t know how much time passed, but when he closed his eyes for a moment, simply cherishing the calming touch on his cheek it was like he was falling. Before he was even able to open his eyes again he felt soft sheets on his back, a relief for the pain that was caused there before. He sat up on his elbow and looked around, finding himself in the motel room where, so many years ago, he met Lucifer for the first time. He was still there, sitting on the bed, waiting for the hunter to adjust himself to the new situation.

“Where am I?” Sam gasped and dragged himself up, away from the devil on his bed.

“I thought this might be a better place for you. Or us, whatever.” Lucifer waved his hand and signed Sam to relax.

“But, I’m still in the cage. How is this possible?” he asked confused.

“Of course you are, with him.” Lucifer sighed. “I can see you, I could tell you what he does… but do you really want to know?”

“No, thank you!” Sam let out a sarcastic laugh, something he couldn’t prevent. “But if I’m there and… here, what is this?”

“Your memory. You forgot that you used to escape here while we were in the cage? When he took control, when he made it impossible for me to interfere? You hid in your own mind.” Lucifer explained calm, a slight smile on his face. “Before you ask, I’m not real. I am not Lucifer, merely the memories that don’t involve hate and torture.”

“How bad is what he’s doing with me?” Sam asked curious. Lucifer tilted his head and patted on the space next to him. Sam hesitated to come closer, his heartbeat going faster now.

“I won’t bite you, Sam. You are safe here, your _mind_ is at least.” Lucifer sighed.

“Why should I believe you? How can I know you’re not him, trying to fool me like before? That was never _you_ in the cage, right?”

“Oh, it was me, until the moment you were in there too. I could feel him, I tried to resist, but I couldn’t.”

Sam turned around and slid off the bed, running a hand through his hair. Part of him wanted to believe this Lucifer so badly that it was physically painful, or mentally in this case, but a different part of him, the part that still remembered everything from the cage, just couldn’t. He looked over his shoulder, eyeing the man on the bed closely. Looking at Lucifer had never hurt so much before.

Images of the things he had experienced flashed through his head, the hooks, the chains, the fire… but not only that, also the feeling of being worthless, of _deserving_ everything that happened. It wasn’t even a specific moment that broke him back in there, it was everything together. And knowing that the same things happened again, that this version of Lucifer, if he even was different at all, could do whatever he wanted with him right now, was making him feel sick to the core.

“I know you don’t believe me, Sam. But I never hurt you, you know that, right?” Lucifer asked.

“You tortured me. You did things… horrible things. You broke me, you bastard!” Sam turned around at the last word, his hands clenching to fists at his sides, the glare in his eyes almost burning.

“ _He_ did these things, not me.” Lucifer said calm.

“He, you! Where’s the difference? Where is it, tell me!” Sam’s anger won the meaningless fight inside and he stomped over to the other man, throwing him onto the bed with force. He jumped on the bed too, losing the last bit of control he had, and started to punch the angel, or whatever he was, everywhere he could reach. Sam screamed at him, cried and sobbed, and Lucifer took all his blows emotionless, letting him punch his face and chest and his sides, something no human would have survived with the power Sam was able to summon.

“Because of you I ended up in hell!” Sam spat out, landing a hit right on Lucifer’s cheek.

“You killed me, you tortured me!” a hit against the other’s rips, followed by the sound of breaking bones.

“It’s all your fault!” Sam yelled now, the salty taste of his tears mixing with the bitterness in his mouth.

“I hate you! I fucking _hate_ you, do you know that?” He could feel his energy being drained, but not before he landed one last blow against Lucifer’s face, so strong that the other one’s head was turned to the side.

“I hate you so much…” Sam sobbed. He was unable to move anymore, he was just sitting there, on top of Lucifer, his hands clenched into the angel’s shirt, and cried his pain out, with tears darkening the fabric where they touched it after the fall.

This wasn’t fair, this was anything but fair. He couldn’t feel the physical pain that his body felt, but even without it there was enough to break him once again. And it was all his fault, all Lucifer’s fault for being an asshole, all Nick’s fault for saying yes to the devil, all god’s fault for not getting a hold of his own creation when he still had the chance. Sam always wanted to do the right thing, he never wanted any of this to happen. How could he have known that he would release the Darkness? How could he? He only wanted to save his brother from turning into a monster. Into a monster he had been his whole life.

“It’s not your fault, Sammy.” Despite the calming tone, Lucifer’s voice caused even more anger in Sam.

“You have no right to call me that!” he hissed, but he couldn’t even move.

“I tried to prevent this, Sam.” Lucifer continued, carefully. “The power of the cage is above me, I couldn’t do much. That’s why I told you to run, I wanted to save you.”

“The hell you wanted!” Sam sniffed and angrily wiped the tears from his eyes. “You _wanted_ me in the cage. You _wanted_ to do these things! Stop lying and make me think it wasn’t you!”

Suddenly Lucifer was gone, without even moving, and Sam sank onto the bed. He covered his face with his hands, muffling the sobs that he wasn’t even trying to hold back. A hand was laid on the hunter’s shoulder, cold and gentle, and he couldn’t even shake it off, despite wanting it so badly.

“It’s not me, Sam. It’s the cage. It uses your fears against you, it turns your fears into something real and cruel and into torture without mercy. I didn’t know what happened to me for a long time, not until this one moment, do you remember?” Lucifer still stayed calm, trying to soothe him, but it didn’t work.

“I remember _everything_ , you monster…” he just winced.

“You looked at me, at _him_ , and I saw it in your eyes. It wasn’t physical pain, Sam. It was a broken heart that I saw and I finally understood why the cage made me do these things. I told you to run for the first time then, do you remember it?”

Sam’s sobs stopped for a moment and his eyes widened. He _did_ remember. It had been countless of days already, his body being ripped open over and over again, meat hooks holding him up in the air with no way to escape, blood tripping down everywhere. It was something that this Lucifer said that broke the final wall, that broke not only his soul but also his heart as he said. _“And you always thought I would care for you, Sam. If only you knew I never did.”_ It was this moment he felt this new pain again, stinging and even worse than the physical pain. _“You always look for affection, but you crave to be hated by the ones you love. I can give you all the hate you need, Sammy-boy.”_ That was the moment Sam cried, not like before, this time was worse. He could feel his heart breaking, he could feel the things he never allowed himself to feel and it was just too much to cope with all at once. If he would have been able to he would have screamed, but he was only able to cry silently and look at his torturer with all this pain in his eyes.

Sam turned around, looking at Lucifer with so much realization that the anger was gone completely.

“He lied, Sam. Everything he said was a lie, because he used your deepest fears against you.” Lucifer whispered when the hunter sat back on the bed, staring at him. “I didn’t know, Sam, but when I did I tried everything to protect you.”

“So, you want to tell me you ever cared, because you’re such a nice person?” Sam asked and Lucifer smiled slightly.

“No, not because of that.” He sighed. “Because, you and I, we know that there is something else, something beyond this whole ‘ _you’re-my-true-vessel thing_ ’.”

“And what would that be? Loathe? Pity?”

“Understanding.”

Sam blinked surprised. “Explain.” He said.

“But I did already, Sam. You and I, we are alike. We both looked up to our big brothers, we wanted to be good enough for them, to please them. And we fell, deep. Why do you think I never hurt you, like Michael let his soldiers hurt Dean? I never wanted, Sam!”

“No, you wanted to convince me it was the _right_ thing to do, not force me.” Sam huffed.

“Because all this, it shouldn’t have happened. Never. I never wanted to hurt you, Sam. That it was _him_ torturing in there and not my brother… there’s a _reason_ behind this. Can you still not admit it?”

“There’s nothing to admit.” Sam turned his head away, but of course he knew he was lying. There _was_ a reason, yes. A reason why it was a vision of Lucifer that was able to give him peace and not Dean. A reason why Lucifer tortured him, not Michael. And a reason why Lucifer tortured him _again_ when the walls of his memories broke.

“You _belong_ to me, Sam Winchester.” Lucifer whispered.

“No matter how often you say it, it won’t become true just because you do!” Sam shook his head, unable to believe this.

“Not like this, Sam. You still don’t understand, because you’re too stubborn to.”

“I don’t want to-“ Sam turned around at his words, yelling, when suddenly his breath was cut off. He ripped his eyes open, facing a very angry looking Lucifer, whose lips were pressed against his own. There was no desire, no longing, this was Lucifer making a point and Sam felt his eyes tearing up again and his heart becoming heavy in his chest. It was only a few seconds, when Lucifer broke the sudden kiss Sam fell backwards and laid on the bed, staring at the ceiling.

It wasn’t real, none of this was. Lucifer didn’t just kiss him, no way.

“Do you still not understand, you pathetic human?” Lucifer asked, now for the first time his voice truly changed and he sounded angry. Sam couldn’t look up at him, but when Lucifer was suddenly above him there was no way out, no way to prevent their eyes from locking.

“Go away.” He mumbled, but without much anger, there was none left.

“I don’t want to see you being hurt, Sam. I don’t want you to feel guilt.” Lucifer said, his blue eyes shining bright as he looked down at the hunter below him. His arms rested at Sam’s sides, not touching, but holding him slightly in place. “Why can’t you see the truth, Sam?”

“What truth? That you want me to be your _boy toy_?” The sarcasm inside his own voice hurt Sam, but there was so much doubt in him that admitting these things was impossible.

“I want to give you everything, Sam. I want you to understand that I will never hurt you, that I will punish those who do.”

“Then punish yourself.” Sam hissed.

“Do you think what is happening to you right now is not punishment for me? To see your body being torn, your soul being tortured, to know that you think it’s _me_ doing all these horrible things?”

“So what? What can you do about it? You said it, nothing!”

“I can make you forget…” Lucifer whispered and leaned down again.

When their lips met this time it was a sweet touch, not forceful and not as harsh as before. This time Sam gave into the feeling inside of him, didn’t fight it. He closed his eyes and let the sweet cold of Lucifer take over him, let him cup his cheek and press against him gently. He didn’t want to think anymore, he didn’t want to cry anymore. He let the feelings he sealed inside for so long roam free, a hand moving to Lucifer’s back and staying there.

Sam Winchester _wanted_ to forget.


End file.
